Where's Your Heart?
by Yaoilover1598
Summary: (My first X/1999 fanfiction) Subaru started to wonder just where his heart was and if it was even still beating? (Rated T for: Death, some implied violence, and because it's kinda tragic since it's Subaru's story.) (Warning: Spoliers for volume 18, chapter 6.)


**Where's your heart?**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing at all. I make no money on this because I am still very much broke.**

Subaru could feel it. As if a ton of bricks had just hit him. His most precious friend, no lover had said those dreaded words. Subaru had known and yet wouldn't, couldn't accept the fact the man from his vivid nightmares was the very man he'd come to care greatly for. He heart was broken with every kick, every hit. Subaru wouldn't get up, he'd no longer fight for his miserable, worthless life. Why should he fight for it? What did he have to live for now that his word had been pulled from him or better yet, stabbed his back. He looked up at Seishiro through teary eyes. He saw the man had a smirk set on his delicately perfect fetchers. Seishiro grabbed Subaru up by his silky black hair, pulling it. This caused the onmyōji a great deal of pain. Subaru didn't know what hurt worse the wounds Seishiro had inflicted on his body or the wounds he'd inflicted on his heart. Subaru let as many tears fall as he could. He would cry and weep, like the pathetic kid he was.

"What's wrong Subaru-kun? Are you hurt I lied about loving you?" Seishiro asked, mockingly. Subaru looked into Seishiro's one remaining eye. He'd lost an eye for him and even now, in this moment when Seishiro was hurting him. Subaru hated himself. He'd allowed Seishiro to be harmed. He hated himself more for never seeing though the act. He felt stupid and humiliated and all in front of this man who meant more to him then the air he'd soon no longer need.

"Yes I'm hurt because I loved you..." Subaru whispered. He was a real fool, he'd been a fool all along. He'd die alone and Seishiro would go on with his life. He'd forget Subaru existed. Hokuto would cry and morn him but she'd be okay, she'd be safe. She would marry and have children. She would do what Subaru would never, ever have the chance to do. She'd always told him he was lucky because he could help people. He was special and that he'd do great things in life. He was need very much by society, by her. Even Seishiro needed him or so his beloved sister had said once. Hokuto promised him they would never be apart. They would stick together because there all each other had.

.

Hokuto was wrong in two ways. One was that Seishiro didn't need him, he never loved him. He was merely a pass time, an object that merely excised as Seishiro said once. He was a pet for Seishiro. He was puppet that Seishiro could bend to his will. If he wanted Subaru to do anything he'd do it. Because he was that low, that naive. Because he loved him even if his feelings were in vain. The other thing his sister lied about was them never being apart. She swore they'd always be a family together. That's how it should have been. She should have got married, should have had kids and smiled. She should have been happy and lived a long life. She shouldn't have had to die for him. Should have had become a sacrifice for Seishiro so that she could save his life. Subaru was just fine with dying. He'd convinced himself it was for the best.

Subaru cried every year when he went to visit her grave. Tears streamed down his face as he sat in front of where his big sister was berried. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He could never seem to come up with the right words to say to her. When she was alive she talked so much. She was full of life, always smiling and never regretting a moment. She was everything Subaru would never be. She was like the sun always bright and beautiful. She had always been so out going, the type you'd want to be friends with. She'd done everything she could for her little brother including giving up her short life. She was so strong and yet she seemed so fragile that night under the sakura. In the end after a few hours of sitting there lost in thought like most other times Subaru said nothing other then a quick 'I love you' and 'I miss you so much' he'd nothing else he could really say. Subaru didn't know when he cried more. When Seishiro had betrayed him, when his sisters body was found, or when he had to watch them bury the one person who knew him inside out. The person who knew him better then anyone knew him, even better then he knew himself. His bright, spunky, free willed big sister would no longer laugh, she'd never smile at him again. When he was down she wouldn't be there to cheer him up. He'd never seen her get a husbanded like she'd always dreamed of having. Her dream of being a house wife would never come true. All her hopes, her fears, her dreams and even all her happiness was dead. She was gone and Subaru would never see her again.

That old picture in Subaru's room seemed so haunting and sad. Despite the fact they were smiling and laughing, even though they were happy at that time. Subaru felt like it was all a dream. Everyday when Seishiro had pretended to care, every time his sister teased they'd all three be a family and Seishiro and Subaru would get married and she'd be the sister who supported it. All that seemed so unreal and like a dream. It was a dream ending in a nightmarish realty. Because every time Subaru looked at that picture he felt like his heart would break all over again and yet that picture, was all he had left who his amazing life that had long since turned to lonely nights and sad days.

.

Subaru felt it as his hand pierced Seishiro's chest. This isn't what he had planed to do. He hadn't meant to hurt him, he was more so hoping Seishiro would kill him not the other way around. Seishiro smiled at Subaru. He pulled him close to him. Seishiro felt tears wailing up in his eyes. Seishiro wiped them away.

"You really are a kind person, Subaru-kun." Seishiro said. He started to fall. Subaru held him up the best he could. All this time, all those years. He had long to end this mans life and even his own and now this man lied in his arms, dying all because of him and yet Subaru didn't feel any better. Revenge wasn't so sweet. It was sour and it hurt, it cut like a knife and left Subaru feeling empty and hollow inside. Subaru was alive and yet he'd died on that cold night thirteen years ago.

(A/N: I still can't believe it's been that long.)

He believed he may have been alive for at least the whole year up till his sister died and the light of his life walked out on him with threats of killing him. He was sure after that he was a walking empty shell. He'd no soul left to redeem and his mind was blank. His hart was numb or at least he had thought, but Seishiro's death proved he could still feel somethings. He knew he could feel because his heart that he'd long thought had died, broke once again. He now knew there was nothing left for him to lose because he'd lost it all. He didn't even notice Kamui's sad eyes as he watched the man he'd looked to as a brother fall apart on the ground. Subaru deiced there was nothing left to live for now. He had nothing left.

.

Seishiro's final words rung in Subaru's ear for the longest time. He took a deep breath and prepared for what was to come. His blood felt like it had ran cold as he lied back on the bed, trying to relax. He knew that Fuuma needed to do the surgery soon. He saw Fuuma smile at him and Subaru tried not to think about what he was giving up. The dragons of heaven no longer needed him, he knew it because he couldn't create a Kekkai to protect them or anyone else. He'd lost his reason to protect because what was so dear to him was now long gone. His sister and his lover were both dead and they'd never return.

(A/N: I don't know how the thing with giving Subaru Seishiro's eye worked so I just made up that Fuuma put it in. if this is wrong please tell me because I'd like to know. On another note if I misspelled anything please tell me because I tried to make sure everything looked good but if you see something wrong please don't hesitate to tell me.)

.

Subaru sat on top of a building. He watched as his old and new comrades fought and he even seen some injured. Thought none of this touched his heart in the slightest. He looked over to see Fuuma standing there. He had wondered what Fuuma's reason for doing all this was. He kinda wondered what his wish was. Everyone had a wish, Subaru's wouldn't be for filled. He wouldn't let it yet. He wanted to live on so _his_ eye would live on as well. He knew it was all he had left of _him_. Fuuma sat next to him.

"Are you content with this choice that was made?" Fuuma asked. Subaru just shrugged his shoulders. He wasn't sure. He looked at Fuuma.

"I don't know, what about you?" Subaru asked. Fuuma just looked at him. He seemed as if he was unsure himself of what he felt of this choice.

"I don't care what you do now that you have assassin blood in your veins just don't kill any of our comrades and I think it'll be okay." Fuuma said, walking off. Subaru smirked, thinking of which of the dragons of heaven to go after. He would have loved to have been drenched in Kamui's blood but he;d save him for Fuuma. Subaru stood up.

"I guess I could kill that stupid girl and her mutt." Subaru said, smiling just like Seishiro.

…

**I hope you guys liked it.**

**Thanks for reading. **

**I hope I did good. I really tried hard to keep them in character but I don't know how I did. I don't know if it's just me but I kinda think Subaru became heartless and cold after he became the head of the Sakura clan. I call it that for short because his last name is kinda long. Anyways please let me know what you guys thought of it.**

**Love ya.**


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